More love to share

Blended families create new wedding traditions

By Laurie Higgins
Contributing Writer

As the average age of brides gets older, many marriages are about more than the joining of two people. Instead they create a new family unit, and including the children in the ceremony is a wonderful way to celebrate that fact.

Rev. Kathleen Geagan, an interfaith minister in Brewster, estimates that about half of her weddings are for blended families. As joyful as these celebrations are, she believes parents need to be sensitive to their children’s emotions – both the good and the bad – surrounding the big day.

“Parents should remember that for the children it isn’t necessarily the happiest day of their lives because the fantasy of their mom and dad getting back together is now over,” she says. “At the same time, once you start including them, it just helps so much to have them feel a part of it.”

When deciding how to include children in the ceremony, Geagan advises letting the kids come up with some ideas of their own about how they would like to participate and to keep it simple.

“Keep the atmosphere light, with a sense of humor and not solemn to the point that people are more nervous than they should be,” she says. “You can make it meaningful without making it complicated.”

Rev. Dr. Denis Meacham, associate minister at First Parish Brewster, loves to do weddings for blended families and he encourages people to create as much of the service as they are comfortable with. His favorite way to include children is to let them write something they can read at the service.

“I remember one service, there were three kids who were young teenagers and they each wrote a little piece about their new family,” he says. “We made a place in the service around the time of the vows so they had both the vows from the couple and the vows from the children about how they felt about their commitment to this new family. It was beautiful.”
In another wedding service, one from each side, played a piano duet they had created together, Meacham says. Recently he officiated at a service where the kids held the rings and then brought them up at the appropriate time and presented them to the opposite side parent. Other families light unity candles where the children each have their own candle, as do the bride and groom, and they blend the family as they light the candles together. 

“The main thing is encouraging as much participation as possible,” Meacham says. “Whatever the kids feel comfortable doing and the parents feel comfortable doing, we’re certainly comfortable doing.”

When Elizabeth and Keith Pearson got married last summer, Geagan officiated at a ceremony that included Keith’s two children from a previous marriage, 10-year-old Madison and 13-year-old Chris.

“We’d been dating for about five years before we got married and it had always been important to us to include the kids,” Elizabeth Pearson says.

Her husband came up with the idea to present jewelry to the children at the ceremony, and the kids wanted to give something to welcome their new step-mother as well. They bought Chris a tie tack shaped like a lacrosse stick with his birthstone and a birthstone necklace for Madison. For Elizabeth, they chose a necklace with both children’s birthstones. Elizabeth presented the tie tack to Chris and Keith gave the necklace to Madison and then Chris put the necklace around Elizabeth’s neck. 

“They appreciated the fact that we didn’t just say you can be the ring bearer and you can be the flower girl,” Pearson says. “I think they liked the fact that they got to do something a little unique.”

Both Geagan and Meacham note that not all kids are comfortable being in the spotlight and when that’s the case it is best to give the child a job that keeps them a part of things like seating people or handing out the wedding programs at the door.
The rehearsal is a great time to assess the child’s comfort level, but Geagan cautions that it is also a time when kids might reveal some of their inner conflicts about the wedding or misbehave – and that’s okay. It’s better to have them explore these emotions at the rehearsal than the ceremony.

“I’ve seen it happen over and over again that the kids show up for the rehearsal and they’re kind of looking around like what’s going on, and the parents are thinking this is going to be a disaster,” she says. “I just say, ‘Let it all happen tonight,’ and sure enough they get in their beautiful dresses and their little suit coats and they’re just like little angels.”

That said, you also have to be prepared for the fact that some kids might change their minds or get last minute jitters on the day of the ceremony and back out. When that happens it’s up to the officiant to give them an out or gloss over the moment so the child doesn’t feel like he or she ruined the ceremony. 

Geagan recalls one blended wedding where a young teenager wanted to sing at the ceremony. Even though the girl had performed before, she got last-minute jitters and just couldn’t do it. Geagan suggested that rather than singing during the ceremony, the girl do it later at the reception when everyone was more relaxed.

“Sure enough she got up and sang and it was fantastic,” she says.

Meacham is also flexible with incorporating children in the service and uses humor to alleviate the tension. 
“My theory about weddings is that you can’t make a mistake,” he says.  “Everybody is there out of love and it’s a glorious day for two people to share their love with a community. You have a script, that’s the starting point. I feel the same way about having kids. If they’re running around the church, I don’t mind. You just have to roll with what happens and not count on exactly what you thought would happen happening.”

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